Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
