turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
