wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
