her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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