I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
ttyl tear gas
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
