Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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