I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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