The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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