I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
God, you're like boner-b-gone
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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