How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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