I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
