whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
