I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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