My first STD was from a foam party
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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