The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
