I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
