i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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