Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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