i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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