3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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