are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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