dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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