Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
