Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
