my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
