I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
