they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
