Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
