No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
