Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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