ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
did i walk over a car last night?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
