my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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