you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
