Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
