I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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