This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
