You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
