the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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