Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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