PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
