Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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