She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
