Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
