I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
