why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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