I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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