Can i not drive my cunt home
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
