I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I made him laugh his dick is mine
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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