What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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