im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
