Well douche your snatch and let's go!
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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