Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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