her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
