Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
