if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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